School be like
You Might Also Like
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse