[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
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You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”