[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
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Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers