Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cat faces on other animals, a thread

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

*listening to music at the beach*

6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?

Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.

6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.

Me: That is correct, yes.

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.