[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
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I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?