*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

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Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”


I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake


I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”


My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.


[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me


I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.


This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.


Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*


I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.