*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
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Noted.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
When I said I liked it rough.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
🤣🤣
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you