School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
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Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Why is this me 😫
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
much to think about
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants