[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
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Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…