Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
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Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I think we should hear other voices.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!