Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
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me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
LA today:
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal