[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
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RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.