Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
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When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.