@HomeWithPeanut

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

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@Birdhumms

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

@CrackedIllusion

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

@Donna_McCoy

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

@Brentweets

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

@IvoryGazelle

Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube

@Donna_McCoy

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

@ParentNormal

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

@DevilryFun

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

@DaddyJew

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad