Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
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*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
shut up and take my money
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.