SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
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The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911