schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
You Might Also Like
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
choose your gary
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.