Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
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If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.