Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
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Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
✌🏽
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.