Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
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IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Breaking news:
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it