science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
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4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
You saw nothing. I am ham.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!