Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this