Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
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they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”