Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
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By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Rather alarming headline…
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic