[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
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Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Based Erika
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
sistine chapel
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes