Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
You Might Also Like
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
October already? What’s next? November????
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”