Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
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Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
what’s more important?
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
english majors be like furthermore
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.