Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
You Might Also Like
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Carpe DM
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.