[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
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If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.