SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
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Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it