science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
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Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man