Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
You Might Also Like
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms