Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
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“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Sending in my taxes
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia