[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
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I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Always…
I am a gravy boat captain
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
groan^2
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.