Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh ManateeScientists start rage screaming
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BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
As per my previous tablet…
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.