Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
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ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Monica just destroyed the internet
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.