[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
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*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.