scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
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Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.