Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
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Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me