SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
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Twitter is an abusement park.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”