SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
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All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show