Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
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Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
What the hell happened here.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
so much to do
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?