Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
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HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
A short story about romance.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Growing out my freckles.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.