Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
You Might Also Like
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.
Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.