Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
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Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
They grow up so quick
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable