scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
You Might Also Like
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.