Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
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I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.