scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
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Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
LOL
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs