Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
You Might Also Like
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
oh my god
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.