Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
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I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.