Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
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My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]