Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
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Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Kermit goes Blue.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.