Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
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7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
your honor my client chooses dare
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.